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Marik's Evil Council of Doom 5/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Dartz (voiced by Takahata101), Alister, Zombie Boy, Raphael, Valon, Johnny Steps, Alex Brisbane, Jaden Yuki (voiced by ShadyVox), Jaden's lobster plush doll (voiced by ShadyVox), Jaden's walrus plush doll (voiced by Shadyvox), Syrus Truesdale (voiced by xthedarkone), Marik, Florence, Pegasus, Rex, Steve Umbra, Steve Lumis, Zorc, Dan Green, Teddy, Weevil, Kaiba Date: May 23, 2012 Running Time: 14:39 Transcript (Judas' Priest's "Electric Eye" plays) CAPTION: Somewhere beneath the ocean... DARTZ: (singing) I’m so excited. And I just can’t hide it. I know, I know, I know, I know, I want to. Deo-o. (stops singing) Oh, sowwy about that. Oh man, I am so excited I got chiwwwwwwws, mayn! My excitement is I got 10 pounds of excitement in a 5 pouhnd bayg. Yeayuh! Weey ahl heah today to celebwate an evenhnt so fayntastick that the hoohe worwd wyll remembuh for years to cooooooooooome! ALISTER: Happy Birthday, great and powerful Dar— DARTZ: (interrupting) It ain’t my birthday, man. ALISTER: Oh. Then why is there a birthday cake over there? DARTZ: What? ZOMBIE BOY: Oh, that’s mine. It’s my birthday. Celebrating fifteen years of being a zombie. I had it baked to look like grey matter. (inhales through his teeth) Delicious. DARTZ: Can anybody understahnd the words that are coming out of his mouth? Because I shuwe as hell cain’t. ZOMBIE BOY: By the way, thanks for not buying me anything. I really appreciate it. RAPHAEL: (sarcastically) You’re welcome. ZOMBIE BOY: It’s the thought that doesn’t count. RAPHAEL: Yeah, we don’t like you. VALON: Yesus Christ, you pommy buggers. Let the boss bloke get the good news off his gizzard. DARTZ: That's wight man! I am pwoud, (hair changes to black) an honored, to announze that we have thwee new membohs! RAPHAEL: Are they gonna be even lamer as the last one? ZOMBIE BOY: I’m right here! RAPHAEL: 'Sup, lame-o? DARTZ: Theze dudes don’t noe the meaning of the word wayme! Gentohmeen, and you, Zombie Douchebag, may I introduce the Lohd of the daynce. ALISTER: Michael Flatley? DARTZ: Jhoooooooooony Steayps! ALISTER: Aw. JOHNNY: Johnny Steps needs no introduction. But he appreciates you doing so regardless. RAPHAEL: Yeah, this guy seems pretty lame, too. JOHNNY: Johnny Steps thinks that sounds like a dance-off challenge to him. RAPHAEL: Why do you sound like the Zombie guy? JOHNNY: Hit it! (dances on a DDR machine to "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood) Johnny Steps is gonna dance you into next year. RAPHAEL: That’s good. Cause I’d really hate to be stuck in the 80’s like your taste in music. DARTZ: Jhoony Steyaps, will you pwease put away your sexy gwoovin’ style so that I, Dartz, the leader of the Oricalcamalos, mayh muve on with our list of new membahs? JOHNNY: Johnny Steps would be happy to oblige. DARTZ: Our next newest membah, is one of the most wuthless villains in Yu-Gi-Oh! history! He awmost syngle handwedly defeated Yu-gaeh Mo-toh and his fweynds. And he didn’t even have to pwaeh a cawd gahme! Pwofessaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh Awexandah Bwisbaaaaane-ah! ALEX: Actually, I’m not a villain. DARTZ: What? ALEX: Nope. Totally not a villain. Sorry. DARTZ: Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Why would you even appwy for a position if you ain’t a villain, man? ALEX: There must have been some sort of misunderstanding. Because as I’ve said, definitely not a villain. DARTZ: Then get outta heah, man! Seriously, wastin' everyone’s time. ALEX: I’ll just be over here, then. Doing things that are um… not villainous. DARTZ: Weew, I guess we got us a new janatoh. Anyway, my final gwand reveawence is something that is gonna shock aw of you and shake the foundayshuns of Sports entertainment forever! RAPHAEL: I doubt that. DARTZ: Oh bewieve me, douche face, this is gunna be the biggest plot twist since Jaden Yuki turned out to be evoh! (cut to Jaden as the Supreme King) JADEN: Gentlemen, the hour is upon us. We must make ready our dark forces and ride forth to slaughter our enemies. All those who oppose me shall die. Are there any questions? (a lobster plush comes up) LOBSTER: (Jaden’s voice, only higher) Gee, Jaden, do you think we have time to go to the bathroom first? JADEN: I thought I told to go before we left, Dr. Crustatio! LOBSTER: I know, but I just got so excited, I drank all the orange juice. JADEN: Who the hell brought orange juice? (a walrus plush comes up on the other side) WALRUS: (Jaden’s voice, only deeper) Sorry, Jaden, I though this was a picnic. JADEN: Dammit, guys, how is anybody gonna take us seriously as an evil force if you’re all being so unprofessional!? (Syrus comes in) SYRUS: Hey, Jaden. Have you seen all my— Oh my God! What is all this? A-are those your dolls? JADEN: Nothing! No-no-nothing! Go away! And knock next time before you see the nothing that I was doing! (cut back to Dartz) DARTZ: Oh-ho! The mystowy is indeed intwiguing. But whooooo could it be? RAPHAEL: Look, we all know this is gonna end up being some lower-tier villain. Could we wrap this up? I need to meet a guy about a thing. DARTZ: Vewwy well. The pwan who is— oh pfff, haha (beep, hair change) The mayn who is going to be crutioh in our pwans to defyt Yu-gaeyh Mo-toh mand Mawikc Bwishtah is none other than… (cut to Marik’s council) MARIK: Bakura! FLORENCE: What is it now, Marik? MARIK: I know what we need to do. FLORENCE: Let me guess. MARIK AND FLORENCE: We’re going to build a giant piñata. And then we wait until it’s Yugi’s birthday, give him a bat, and then we hide inside the piñata, and when he breaks it open we jump out and tell him there’s no candy! MARIK: Brilliant, is it not? FLORENCE: That it is not, Marik. MARIK: Yeeeeeeeees. Wait, what? PEGASUS: You guys are so gay for each other. (Marik and Florence stare at Pegasus) PEGASUS: You heard what I said. REX: Uhuhuhuhuh. “Gay”. FLORENCE: So. Does anybody have any better plans? STEVE UMBRA: I got a plan, man. I got a plan, man, can, Sam-I-Am, Pakistan, New York and Japan! MARIK: Do you actually have a plan or are you just saying words? STEVE UMBRA: Michael Man. STEVE LUMIS: I believe what Err is trying to say is that our plan supersedes all other plans. For our plan involves wearing black shirts with crudely painted white logos that read “New Moon Order” in a large offensive font. STEVE UMBRA: (beat boxing the nWo theme) MARIK: Will these shirts allow people to see our midriffs at all times? STEVE LUMIS: Of course not, for showing your midriff is a sign of aggression on the moon. MARIK: Then I shall have no part of this plan. ZORC: In the Shadow Realm, we don’t wear clothes. Everyone is totally naked. FLORENCE: Wait, really? ZORC: Yeah, it’s kind of a thing. Everybody must suffer eternal damnation. And nudity. FLORENCE: Uh, Marik, I think we should go to the Shadow Realm. MARIK: No. Yugi is the one who will be going to the Shadow Realm. FLORENCE: Fine, he can come, too. I’m a very curious person. MARIK: What? DAN GREEN: Ah, you know, that reminds me of the time when I voiced Knuckles the Echidna in Sonic X. MARIK: Public nudity reminds you of that? DAN GREEN: I am a method actor, sir. So, of course, I was completely naked when we recorded. Aside from an enormous pair of poofy white gloves. It was the most exhilarating acting experience. Of my life. FLORENCE: Dan Green, that is pretty f*cked up. DAN GREEN: Yeeeees. FLORENCE: Seriously, that’s about as f*cked up as Videodrome by David Cronenberg. STEVE LUMIS: References are not funny! STEVE UMBRA: Yeah, man, references suck! FLORENCE: I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was simply drawing a comparison. STEVE LUMIS: References are what retards use when they’re trying to be witty. But in actuality, it is the laziest form of writing in the history of the Universe. There is so much more to comedy than references. STEVE UMBRA: References… are teh suck. STEVE LUMIS: So very teh suck. MARIK: Well, then. Speaking of “sucking”, Pegasus, do you have any ideas— STEVE LUMIS: (interrupting) Gay jokes are also teh suck. STEVE UMBRA: And offensive! STEVE LUMIS: Very offensive. On the moon, it is okay to be gay, so long as it’s woman on woman. STEVE UMBRA: And as long as we’re invited! STEVE LUMIS: There ain’t no party like a zero-gravity lesbian moon-based party. STEVE UMBRA: (singing) Left a good job, down in the city. FLORENCE: You know what? Sod this. I’m done. I’m not doing it anymore. MARIK: What are you not doing anymore? FLORENCE: This. Marik, I’m leaving. And there’s not a damn thing you can do to change my mind about it. MARIK: Wait, wait. Hold the friggin’ phone here. You’re leaving me? FLORENCE: If by “me”, you mean, “my idiotic council”, then… yes. MARIK: But I thought we had something miserable. Something truly evil. I thought our hatred would last a lifetime. FLORENCE: Well, then, you thought wrong. You see, it turns out there’s another Evil Council operating in the area and they offered me a job. That’s right. They’re gong to pay me actual money! And my contract allows me to perform at least one genuinely evil deed a month. Not just stand around chatting about it! MARIK: Wait, how long has this been going on? FLORENCE: We’ve been in talks for a few weeks now. MARIK: You’ve been cheating on me this whole time? And you never said anything? FLORENCE: I wouldn’t call it “cheating”, they were just “heavy negotiations”. MARIK: Behind my back. PEGASUS: Girls, girls! You’re both pretty. But try as you might, you’ll never be as beautiful as I— MARIK AND FLROENCE: Shut up, Pegasus! PEGAUS: Well! TEDDY: wE ShOuLd kIdNaP AnD ToRtUrE OnE Of yUgI’S ClOsE FrIeNdS AnD FoRcE HiM To gIvE Us hIs pUzZlE So tHaT We cAn rUlE ThE WoRl— MARIK: Shut up, evil teddy bear, this is important! Bakura, don’t go. FLORENCE: I admit, the idea of doing evil with you was fun for a time. But the joke's gotten rather stale and now it’s become just a series of weak punchlines that even I can’t laugh at anymore. You’ve surrounded yourself with fools, but I feel like the biggest fool of all. Because at one point, I genuinely believed in this. In you, Marik. MARIK: But-but we had some good times, right? Remember when we all got together in the desert to play baseball? I was the pitcher, you were the catcher? PEGASUS: I’m not even going to comment on that one. FLORENCE: I’m sorry, Marik. But this whole exercise, while fun, has been a monumental waste of my evil talents. MARIK: Bakura please, give me another chance. Wait, who are you texting? FLORENCE: Oh, that’s Dartz. He’s picking me up in a few minutes. MARIK: Tell him I hate him! (pause) Are you telling him that I hate him? FLORENCE: Nope. Now I’m texting him that you’re a wanker. MARIK: Stop being ableist, Bakura! FLORENCE: No. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pack. MARIK: Fine. Leave! See if I care! You’ve been nothing but dead weight from the beginning, anyway! Hr. Okay people, let’s get back to work. REX: Uhuhuhuhuhu. Uh… No? WEEVIL: Yeah. Hehe. I mean, uh, no. We’re not gonna listen to you. MARIK: What? REX: Heheheyou’re a dork. That Bakura guy was kind of cool. Huhuhuhuh. He showed us a dead animal. WEEVIL: Yeah. Hehehehe. And he let me set fire to a mannequin. ZORC: He was the best worst pal a demon could ask for. MARIK: Look, everybody stop talking about Bakura, who shall henceforth be known as “He who shall not be named”. ZORC: Bakura was Voldemort?! That explains so much. MARIK: Silence! You guys don’t think I have what it takes to run a council all by myself. Do you? Fine. It just so happens I have Seto Kaiba’s number on my speed dial. PEGASUS: What? You have pictures of Seto Kaiba in a Speedo? MARIK: Speed dial! Friggin’ fruit. One quick call to Kaiba and he’ll be begging to team up with me now that Bakura’s old news. REX: Uh… I thought that dude didn’t like you. MARIK: Oh, trust me, I’m a master of telephone-based manipulation. (cut to Kaiba’s office, Kaiba’s phone rings) KAIBA: Hello? MARIK: (on the phone) WHASSAAAAAAAA— (Kaiba hangs up) (Back at the Council) MARIK: (dial tone) —AAAAAAA. Hello? Kaiba? STEVE LUMIS: It sounds like he hung up. MARIK: Dammit! Alright. It’s— it’s okay. I can still salvage this. Who wants to order out? We could get tacos. Anyone? Tacos? Anyone? Tacos? Anyone? (Cut to Dartz’s underwater base) DARTZ: Welcome thowowy, Bakuya-yo to Dartz’s illustrious Council of Dominashone! I twust you’ll find things to your liking? FLORENCE: Oh, believe me, so long as there are no young, scantily-clad boys braying about stealing leather pants, I think I’ll fit in just fine here. DARTZ: Good. Now I— Hey, Awexander Bwisbane! I told you to clean that cwap in the corner up, like, five hours ago! I am-a pissed Dartz! ALEX: Okay. Just so long as it’s not evil crap. I couldn’t touch the stuff. Not a villain, you see. FLORENCE: Why does that janitor sound like me? DARTZ: Now, then I present you, Byakuya, as a token of appreciation for your joining our gwoup, this expensive Xbox 360 video game console! With fwee Kinect. With Kinectimals and Kinect Wacing cause Kinect is the future, man. (whispering) And the future is now! ZOMBIE BOY: Hey, that’s my birthday gift! My mom sent it to me! DARTZ: Ignore that guy, he’s from Mexico or something or Canada, I don’t know. Doesn’t speak a wohd of English. FLORENCE: Shouldn’t be a problem. JOHNNY: Johanny Steps is going to unlock all the achievements in Dance Central! DARTZ: Now, let our glohwious celebwations begin! But first, who wants pizza? FLORENCE: Uh, do you guys, perchance, have any, uh, tacos? DARTZ: Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Weally? Weally? Weally? Evwyone knows that pizza is better than tacos! Booo. Oh eat a dyk. FLORENCE: Oh. Right, of course. Mmmm, pizza. DARTZ: And now, awow me to pleasure your ears with this meweodis toone. (holding a guitar) Brought to you from the cock-allos of my heart. (singing) Sweet home Abalayma! Where the skies are so bluuuuuue. (cut to an unimpressed Florence, then back to Dartz) Sweet home Abalayma! (cut back to Marik’s Council) MARIK: You know, I’m starting to think that Bakura isn’t coming back. PEGASUS: What tipped you off? The fact that he hasn’t returned the 300 phone calls you just made? MARIK: I guess I figured it was all going to be a big fake out. That it was going to just turn out okay in the end and we’d go right back to being horrible to each other. Just like the old days. Now, without his hate, I feel empty. PEGASUS: Don’t worry, Marik, you’re better off without him. MARIK: (sniffs) Really? PEGASUS: Well, no, but he’s better off without you. And that’s something, right? MARIK: (singing) Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my frie-end. DAN GREEN: Ah, to be young again. And naked. MARIK: (still singing) You have been the one. You have been the one for me. CAPTION: To Be Continued… DARTZ: (offscreen, singing) Sweet home Abalayma! Lohd I’m coming home to youuuuu. Oooooh, ow. CAPTION: Special Thanks to Takahata101 ShadyVox xthedarkone DARTZ: (still singing offscreen) Bow-dida-bow bow-dida-bow! Guitah solo! (incomprehensible) DARTZ: (playing Mass Effect 3) Oh man, friggin' Towians! Gawwuss! Use your sniper wifoh! (now onscreen) No, no! Don’t make a waffoh! Ah, damn this effing Kinect! This thing sucks! Gonna pway on my Dweamcast. Hell yeah. Power Stone the Game. (couple seconds of black) STEVE LUMIS: Reference jokes may as well be stealing. On the moon, we have evolved beyond stealing. That is why I illegally downloaded Skyrim. I wanted to see if it was worth paying full price. Sixty hours later, I decided that it wasn’t. E05